DEFINING MOMENT

I have almost quit yoga a bunch of times. Not seriously, of course. I get about as far as a pouty seven year old threatening to run away from home. As soon as I start to pack up all my favorites I realize two things: (1) I have nowhere else to go, and (2) I actually really love where I am. I just get frustrated some times.

A few nights ago, my girlfriend Amanda and I were talking at the end of the day, and exchanging the ubiquitous "How was your day?" Q&A. There was a lull in the conversation, and I hesitantly shared a thought I'd had stuck in my head all evening: Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop teaching and do something else. It was short and clear, but piercing and seemed to linger like a bad odor. It felt like a confession; like I needed to brace myself for an ensuing value judgment. That single thread of words had been revolving on a pretty continuous mental-loop for several hours (maybe longer; days), and I hadn't yet thought much at all beyond the one sentence. I didn't even have any real intentions of saying it right then; it was spontaneous. I just waited, almost frozen, because I didn't know what else to say. And I didn't know what she was going to say. I took a very deep breath to soothe the thumps in my chest.
::inhale fully...exhale completely...::
She had a question, two of them in fact. She said first Have you ever, since you started yoga, stopped completely? And I quietly but matter-of-factly said No.
::another deep breath...::
And then she said Do you think that might be because it's a necessary part of your existence, like eating and sleeping, without which you would cease to be You?
::and another...::

I don't remember the details of the rest of the conversation, but I do remember that internally I felt like a knot had been untied. My whole body slumped a little as muscles which I didn't even know were tense softened. And the broken record playing in my head stopped immediately. I knew she was right; I just needed to be reminded.

The reason why that thought had occurred to me that night is because I am frustrated with my yoga right now. It's in a different state from what it used to be, and that is difficult to accept. I was very lucky for a very long time to have yoga as my full-time job. I owned the studio, and there are definite teaching and practicing perks to that role. I taught many times a week, often even many times a day, to students I had gotten to know after years of bonding. I knew some of their practices as well as I knew my own. Whenever I wasn't teaching, I could have my own practice (and it would often last 2, 3, 4 hours) or write for multiple blogs or study/prepare for upcoming classes or seek out new trainings for myself or be a student in someone else's class. It was a fulfilling privilege.

Don't hear me wrong; I am definitely not saying that I'm currently unfulfilled or unprivileged. I have been welcomed into a new community of wonderful teachers and students, and am very much enjoying the opportunities to grow within all new circumstances. However, for the first time in a long time, I have to have one of those "real jobs." I spend 40 hours a week clocked in doing what other people tell me to do. I know I know most of you do, too. And lots of people who want that don't have it. I promise I am not complaining about having a job; I am grateful for my paycheck and for all that it provides me. I am simply acknowledging that my reality has shifted, and it doesn't always feel good.

The truth is that yoga defines me. It is necessary. Not in the sense that a single pose or lack-thereof makes or breaks my sadhana. Or that it is a rigid or static thing for me. The individual everyday activities of yoga are not defining. They change, ebb and flow, strengthen and weaken, transform and evolve. But the presence of Yoga is critical to My Big Picture. Preferably more often than not.

Right now it's less often; hence my recent feelings of frustration. Right now yoga is competing with my j.o.b. And the job is winning. Rather than other activities fitting in with whatever time is left over after yoga has claimed all that it wants, I find myself squeezing in bits and pieces of yoga here and there. And sometimes not at all. I find myself wanting to nap on my days off rather than practice or write. I am inclined toward the television in the evening rather than a copy of the newest Sutra translation. And my laundry basket is suddenly full of work shirts and no leggings. It's a little disorienting; even sometimes disappointing. And I would be lying if I pretended that it wasn't.

What I realized is that I have been having a little internal pity-party for a couple of weeks -- wishing for something that isn't rather than appreciating the things that are. My yoga has changed, but it hasn't stopped. It probably never will. I know that partly because this isn't the first time my yoga-life has shifted. And, so far at least, I have always come back stronger than ever. I love the practices that I do get to have. I love the classes that I do get to teach, and the students who are there. I love writing and reading and researching and planning no matter how much or little time I get to do those things on any given day.

Yoga is hard! It's hard even when we are lucky enough to have everything happening just right, when there are no obstacles or conflicts, when we feel energized and focused and capable. And it is really f---ing hard when that's not the case. And it is OK, even necessary, to admit that, and to choose taking a nap over Down-dog once in the while. Maybe someday the balance will shift back for me to a whole lot of yoga and just a little bit of everything else. Maybe it won't. But I am a Yogi; a student and a teacher. It is the home I get to take with me everywhere I go. It is as essential to me as my humanity. And that will be true even if I never unroll another sticky mat. Or wriggle into another pair of leggings.

"The [path of yoga]...can be summed up individually as "Getting more of what I genuinely desire and less of what I don't." The trick is to recognize which is which and then act on it. The paradox arises in that to train ourselves to achieve this, we have to start by doing a fair bit of what we don't want to do, and rather less of what we think we do. Yoga calls this tapas, which I've translated as sustained courageous practice. The French philosopher Descartes said happiness does not consist in acquiring the things we think will make us happy, but in learning to like doing the things we have to do anyway. Try this when you're waiting for a late train or doing the washing up" (Iyengar, Light on Life, 112).

UNSTICKY BACKBENDS, or WEEKS 14 & 15 PART 3

"Backbends give stability to the body and bring maturity in the intelligence in order to develop ripeness in the brain and ripeness in the emotions."

To the best of my knowledge, all modern forms of yogasana practice include some amount of backbending. Certainly some traditions emphasize it more than others, but you can find it essentially universally regardless of the lineage, philosophy, and degree of vigor (or lack thereof; i.e. even in Yin and Restorative Yogas). And backbends are nothing new: the Hatha Yoga Pradipika and the Gheranda Samhita -- two of the oldest surviving texts expounding on yogasana -- describe positions of the body that we would today recognize as Dhanurasana, Salabhasana, and Ustrasana. Backbends have historically been, as well as continue to be, known for their contributions to physical, psychological, and philosophical wellbeing. Very simplistically, and physically speaking, they strengthen the posterior body and stretch the anterior body. They stimulate, energize, and create heat. And they challenge our sense of self-awareness by forcing us to become familiar with parts of ourselves which we can neither see nor touch.

"...you create tremendous depth and vastness in the chest through the backbends that the emotional center accommodates [absorbs and withstands] all types of pressures and strains. There is no chance for a person who does backbends to get emotionally depressed or distressed."

"That's the beauty of backbends. Emotionally we can never be disturbed, for the emotional center becomes an extrovert. When you do Viparita Dandasana [LoY 375], your head looks backwards, but your conscious mind stretches everywhere. Study by observing how the mind gets regulated. You not only know the freedom in the spine, but also the freedom in the spirit."

"Backbends are not poses meant for expressionism. Backbends are meant to understand the back parts of our bodies. The front body can be seen with the eyes, but the back body can only be felt. That's why I say these are the most advanced postures, where the mind begins to look at the back. Otherwise it is felt on the peripheral level."

The message here is (at least) twofold: (a) backbends are vital, and (b) backbends are difficult.

But, as in all things vital and difficult (i.e. all things Yogic!), the best place to begin is a fundamental understanding of what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how. We already know that that means breaking down the necessary components of form and function while on the mat. Backbends require (at the most basic level) a great range of motion (i.e. flexibility) in (1) the shoulders, (2) the upper-back, and (3) the hip-flexors. It is important that your practice include both poses which provide the necessary flexibility as well as poses which help you to measure your flexibility. And I have a tool bag full of both which I am happy and anxious to share with you. However, I am afraid that descriptions reliant only upon text will fall short of adequate clarity, and would need the visual assistance of photos and/or videos to be truly beneficial. And since I am not currently equipped to provide either of those, I feel limited in my ability to be effectively informative here. What I will do, though, is name and/or briefly describe a few key poses/actions, and encourage you to seek out more explicit explanations by perusing resources such as Light on Yoga and YogaJournal.com (a general internet search will produce an abundance of resources), and, most importantly, coming to class.

Shoulders. The anatomy of the humerus and its adjoining socket means that the shoulder joint is capable of a pretty impressive range of motion. When optimally functional, the shoulder join can flex (i.e. arms positioned overhead, alongside the ears) as much as, or more than, 180^o, and can extend (i.e. arms positioned behind the vertical axis of the spine when viewed from the side) as much as, or, in rare cases, more than, 45^o.

One of the most effective means of increasing both flexion and extension is with the aid of a simple yoga strap. While standing, hold the strap in both hands a little wider than shoulder-width apart. Keep your arms straight, the strap taut, and your chin up as you lift your arms first overhead, and then back and down so that you end up holding the strap behind you rather than in front. Then reverse the movement to return to the starting position. If it's too difficult, widen your hold on the strap. If it's too easy, narrow your hold. Challenge yourself to cinch in on the strap every couple of rotations. Keep good form, and repeat many, many times.

The ability to position the arms directly in line with (or slightly behind) the ears without bending the elbows and while maintaining strong external rotation of the upper-arms indicates the necessary mobility for poses such as Utkatasana (a backbend only in a very loose sense, but crucial nonetheless), Virabhadrasana I (ditto), and Urdhva Dhanurasana (the "Mountain Pose" of backbends!).

If you can reach the arms backward without bending the elbows and while (relatively easily) clasping the hands firmly together, then you likely have the mobility necessary for poses such as Salabhasana, Dhanurasana, and Ustrasana.

Upper-back. The part of the spinal column situated between and slightly below the shoulder-blades (i.e. the vertebrae upon which ribs are attached) is the least flexible part of the spine. Whenever we try to create movement in the spine, be it via backbending, forwardbending, or twisting, those places with the most flexibility will move much more readily than those with less, and, for the health and safety of our bodies, it is imperative that we learn how to stabilize the more mobile areas while opening/loosening the stiffer ones. In regards to backbends, creating stability in the more mobile areas comes from creating good form in the hips and core in regards to the lower body, and good form in the neck, head, and shoulders in regards to the upper. With that premise established, one can focus on increasing the range of motion in the thoracic area.

Loosening the thoracic spine is like unsticking a rusty bike chain. If individual links in a chain are rusted closed, and you are attempting to free them by yanking, banging, or otherwise cajoling the chain whilst holding on to its far ends, then you will have little success -- the places which are loose will stay loose while the places which are stuck will stay stuck. To be effective, you must place firm and intentional pressure explicitly upon the congested spot(s). You can, say, lay the rusted joint right over the edge of a tabletop so that the corner of the table creates a kind of fulcrum which juts into and helps release the stickiness as you press down firmly very near the affected spot. The thoracic spine works in a similar fashion -- creating flexibility here requires targeted attention, and, in my experience, one of the best ways to achieve this is through long-ish-held, passive, supported backbends.

The simplest variation of this is lying over a rolled blanket. Roll a firm blanket into a long log shape, and position yourself over it so that the blanket rests against the bottom tips of your shoulder-blades. The back of your head, lower-back/hips, and legs/feet should all rest fairly comfortably along the ground. Your arms can extend out horizontally or can reach overhead alongside the ears. The idea being that the blanket will act like a milder version of the tabletop edge as the fulcrum against the sticky parts: placing gentle, but target pressure right where it's most needed. Two blankets rolled together will create a slightly stronger experience. Stay here (mostly) passively for 1-5 minutes. This is essentially a passive and supported variation of Matsyasana (Fish pose, LoY 138-40).

A more challenging (but I think even more effective) variation uses a block in essentially the same manner as the blanket. Because the block is stiffer and sharper, the pressure is more intense, but then arguably so are the results (to a reasonable degree, of course). Place a yoga block (preferably a 4" one, although 3" will work) on its tallest surface, and lie over it so that its long edges are positioned right between the shoulder-blades. Be careful not to place the block under the bony C7 vertebra near the base of the neck, nor under the floating ribs beneath the kidneys. If your neck is strong and pain-free, you can tilt your head back and extend the crown toward or even on to the floor. If your neck feels weak or sensitive, place a second block (or some other firm support) under the back of your head to prevent over-extension. You can keep your knees bent and feet on the floor, or you can straighten (and tone) your legs (ala Staff pose). Keep your hips/buttocks pressed firmly against the ground. You can stretch your arms out horizontally, or extend them overhead alongside the ears while keeping them straight/strong, or you can hold on to opposite elbows while the arms are lifted overhead. Stay here (moderately) passively for 1-3 minutes. When done this way, it is another variation of supported Matsyasana (*note that the traditional full form of Fish pose utilizes Lotus legs, but here your legs are either straight or knees-bent as Lotus would be unnecessarily complicated).

Yet another more challenging variation is to place the legs in Virasana (Hero pose) before lying back against the block. The positions of the head, arms, and hips/buttocks are the same; the increased challenge comes from the deep fold of the legs which intensely stretches the hip-flexors and lower abdomen. Again, stay (moderately) passively for 1-3 minutes. This is a supported variation of Paryankasana (Couch pose, LoY 125-26).

The ability to (fairly easily) press the top of your head into the floor with the block between your shoulder-blades, with the arms lifted overhead, and without lifting your hips/buttocks from the ground is one indication that the thoracic spine is developing mobility. Another good measurement reference comes from Puppy pose. If you can place your sternum against the floor while maintaining good form in the pose overall, you likely have sufficient range of motion in both the upper-back and the shoulders. It is even better if you can maintain good overall form, place your sternum against the ground, and then lift your chin away from the floor to look forward/upward.

Hip-flexors. The hip-flexors are a grouping of muscles positioned basically along the front of the thighs, but they have connecting spots a little lower on the legs, along the lower abdomen, on the lower spine, and within the pelvic bowl. Their primary objective is to flex (aka forward fold) the hip joint; hence they are aptly named. Because they are good at their job, and because we, as a culture, are seemingly perpetually in a hip-flexed position (i.e. sitting to eat, drive, relax, socialize, work, play, compute, etc.), this group of muscles tends to be short, tight, and stubborn. Backbends require that they be strong yet consentingly pliable; the deeper the backbend, the more the hip-flexors must release. Therein lies the challenge.

Working asymmetrically is probably the most effective means early on. By that I mean, working with poses and preparatory variations of poses in which only one set of hip-flexors is targeted at a time; namely, variations of Virabhadrasana I, Anjaneyasana (kneeling lunge), Ekapada Bhekasana (One-legged Frog pose), and Ekapada Supta Virasana (One-legged Reclined Hero pose). There are many, many ways to work with variations of each of these poses which incorporate props and others means of support; far too many to provide here. For clarification, go to your books, the internet, and class.

Adequate range of motion in this area of the body is best measured via Virasana (LoY 120-23) and Supta Virasana (LoY 123-25). The ability to sit without any support in Virasana is a necessary pre-requisite for Supta Virasana. And the ability to recline fully without any support in Supta Virasana is a necessary achievement while pursuing backbends. For even more challenge, work toward the ability to recline fully into Supta Virasana, and then elevate your hips by placing a block under the sacrum which requires a greater amount of length in the hip-flexors.

For some, the limitation of movement is in only one of these areas, or two, and for others, all three. It is important to assess your current capabilities (where are you strong and not, where are you flexible and not), compare that with your standing (and reasonable!) goals, and then work diligently in a way that balances what you want with what you're willing to do to get it so that you do in fact get what you want. Backbends are difficult, but they are absolutely worth the effort!

This is a lot of information, and a lot more should be said. Use these ideas as an outline whose details it is your responsibility to fill in. Below is the sequence of poses we will follow in class on Sunday, 10/19. It is yet another version of Week 14. It includes each pose which we have previously learned AND which is included in the list of "Most Important Asanas" found near the back of LoY. It omits poses not on the list and/or those we have not yet learned. The poses with an * are poses we will include even though they are not on the "Most Important" list because they are currently a part of the sequence and they are important to us right now.

The "Sort've Week Fourteen Sequence" Part 3:

Salamba Sirsasana I for at least 3 minutes

Trikonasana and Parivrtta Trikonasana

Parsvakonasana and Parivrtta Parsvakonasana

Virabhadrasana I and Virabhadrasana III

Ardha Chandrasana

Parsvottanasana

Prasarita Padottanasana I

Uttanasana

Salabhasana

*Dhanurasana

*Bhujangasana

Paripurna Navasana and Ardha Navasana

Salamba Sarvangasana I for at least 5 minutes

Halasana

*Karnapidasana

*Supta Konasana

*Parsva Halasana

*Ekapada Sarvangasana

Savasana

As always, take a look at each of these poses before practice, particularly the new ones. Make note of their Sanskrit and English names, their rating (printed just next to their name), their instructions (including how long he recommends holding each one), and their effects. What stands out? What is interesting? or unclear? or surprising? Come to class with questions and comments.

"In backbends, one touches the body physically, mentally, intellectually, consciously and spiritually everywhere."

(all quotes above are attributed to B.K.S. Iyengar; specific sources are unknown)